The MRI on Friday wasn't nearly as terrifying as I remember them being. The last time I had one was for chronic migraines and I recall 45 mins of me trying to breathe and talk myself down from panic. It was before I was sober and had no handle on rampant paranoia. The times I wasn't squelching a full on freak out, I was sizing up the technician- trying to figure what type of man he was. If there were a sudden earthquake or bomb, would he be the kind of person who'd run in and get me out of the death tube or would he immediately bolt to save himself, leaving me to be crushed, dying a slow painful death alone. These are the type of things that occupied most of my brain before I found sobriety.
But these days, I have mental tools to handle that stuff, and people to call when I can't handle it. My incredible fiancé brought me back to normal over the phone a few minutes before I went in. On his suggestion, I closed my eyes and began to meditate as soon as they rolled me in, incorporating all the crazy clicks and hums into my prayers, pretending the claustrophobic terror tube was God hugging me, and I didn't stop until they slid me out.
We'll get results Monday when I go in to meet the oncologist.
After a brief stop off at the office on the way back to Astoria, I went to a friend's house and had some dinner with a few of my favorite sober ladies. It was potluck. I'm trying very hard to stay as alkaline as possible so my diet is really strict and difficult to accommodate. Ahead of time, I mentioned it'd be difficult to feed me because blah, blah, blah and not to worry about it. I'd bring something I can eat and enough to share. Of course, these incredible ladies made sure to cook and bring alkaline foods I can eat. There was fresh fruit, a really yummy soup, and a salad that my friend made with an alkaline dressing recipe she found online. I love these girls.
In moments like these, I have to stop and soak in how freaking lucky I am to have this community around me. Every day since I broke the news, I've received texts, phone calls, and emails from friends and family checking in to see how I am, how David is, and if we need anything. I am so grateful for the people around me. It literally brings me to tears. (I am SUPER emotional these days.) I feel so supported, so loved, so taken care of, and so not alone. There are no words for the gratitude I have.
Tonight, I'm having dinner with another group of gals. Looking forward to getting dressed up and feeling normal :)