Testing 1...2...3

Tests are officially done! Last night I had an echocardiogram. It was uncomfortable and at times I thought maybe the technician was aiming to break a rib, but it only took 35 minutes. During the test, there were little snippets of sound where I'd hear my heart beat for a few rounds. I don't know why- I know it always beats- but to hear it so clearly felt reassuring and comforting. Like it was saying, "Don't worry, babe. I still got you. I'm still going." And I was like, "Thanks, little guy. You keep doing that." Then, I loudly and passive-aggressively said, "At least SOMEone is doing what they're supposed to," while angrily glaring at my right breast. No. No. Just kidding. I didn't do that last part.

Onto wedding news! I spoke with a caterer on Tuesday. We're on round 2 of menu decisions and price negotiations with her. David had the first conversation, so we're tag teaming this one. I like her. I feel like she listens to what we want and takes pride in her food. She has some great suggestions, and has worked at our venue before. I think we've already made the decision and now we're just ironing out details. I think that's all the really big stuff. Venue, DJ, caterer, photographer. Yay! 

Speaking of photographer, Denis emailed last night and said he has some ideas for Sunday. I'm excited to hear them. He used to live in Astoria and has shot around here a lot. We also heard back from Mosaic, a bar in the neighborhood with a gorgeous decor. They said we could use the place Sunday between 12 and 3 for free! For my hair, a friend from the neighborhood who is a professional hair stylist agreed to help me Sunday. The same friend who came with me to chemo boot camp yesterday is going to help me with my makeup. We're going to do a practice run tomorrow. David's Bridal is steaming my dress and veil. That will be done by Saturday. And David called a local suit shop and explained to them the situation. They are pulling a couple of grey suits in his size. He's going in tomorrow for a fitting and they'll have it ready on Saturday. I am overwhelmed with how kind everyone is being. I can barely handle this kind of generosity. 

I haven't even really gotten started yet and I'm already moved by the people around me. It sounds crazy, but in a way, I can be grateful for this experience because of these small surprises. I am eager and open to see what I can learn from this. I've spoken with a few friends about this already. I don't know the end game. I don't know what will happen. I do know that my life is already changed. I can see that I am already learning how to depend on people and ask for help. Maybe I will learn to slow down. Maybe my priorities will be reordered. Maybe this will deepen my relationships with the people around me, my family, and David. I hope it will bring me closer to God than I ever thought possible. It is already bringing my families together. I watch David and my mother interact in our small apartment and I am so grateful for this opportunity for them to really get to know each other. David's mother called my mother and they talked about how they could both be there for us. David's mother texts and calls to check in on me. It's like a fast track to family. Relationships that could have taken several awkward Thanksgivings to solidify already feel warm and comfortable and loving. I can't wait to see who else comes into my life because of this. I've already met amazing new people. I know there will be more. I can't wait to see what I'll learn about myself, and the things I'll have to unlearn because they'll no longer be true. And I'm sure there's more I can't even think of, can't even fathom.

I'm not saying I'm not scared. I'm not saying I'm happy it's happening, but I bet a lot of good things will come out of this that otherwise never would have come about. When I finally, truly understood what it meant that I could not drink alcohol safely, could not control my drinking anymore, I thought it meant my life was over. I thought I'd never be happy again. And the last time I had my heart broken, I thought I'd never be able to love anyone again- was convinced I'd spend the rest of my life alone. They were these huge moments in my life that I thought would forever define me and bury me. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life missing out and lonely. But, I was blessed enough to have a spark in me- that I now know to be God- that woke me up and turned these "bad" things into blessings I wouldn't change for anything in the world. They cleared a path that led me to a life I couldn't have imagined on my own. And I have faith. I know the same spark will be ignited by this new challenge. So yes, I'm really, really scared about what happens next, and I'm sure there will be moments when I change my mind and cry my eyes out (like the day my hair falls out), but I believe with all my heart that when this is over, the people close to me and I will be better for it. I can find a lot of gratitude in that.